So where did I go?
The answer, in cultural cliché terms, is "a dark place." I'll use this blog (not that I'm sure anyone checks it anymore) to explain a bit my absence from blogging and, I'm afraid, from even responding to several kind e-mails from my friends. Some of you know what a hard time I've had working on my dissertation since my prospectus was approved in December of 2008. The truth, plainly laid out, is that I have managed to do very little on it over the past year and three months – almost nothing, in fact. I managed to distract myself from my lack of progress with teaching and work for a long time, but the fact is that I have been increasingly mired in the kind of overwhelming anxiety and depression that has prevented me from working and, finally, doing much of anything.
The good news is that I've e-mailed the people I need to e-mail about it, and I've gotten the presentation I was supposed to give on the 19th postponed for the rest of the year. They all assure me that this is nothing that unusual, and that they've known many graduate students who suffered intense anxiety while writing their dissertations and still pulled through it. I have an appointment with Student Health when I get back to the States to try to sort things out, and I hope the wonders of modern medicine will be able to help me.
I actually feel a little better since contacting my advisors about this – at least I'm not overwhelmed with panic at the mere thought of the date or the month anymore! And I am more hopeful than I was a week ago about my ability to pull through this. I still want a career as an academic, though I don't want it if the cost is constant anxiety. And in some ways, I feel the worst has already happened. If I don't pull through this and have to quit the program, my situation will not be substantially different from what it is right now – the only additional stress will be trying to figure out what I can get a job in, and in fact I've thought about that for years already. Anyway, that's the deal. I apologize deeply if you've sent me an e-mail and I haven't responded. I am trying hard to do that in the next few days.
In the meantime, I'll be returning to the States for about a month starting next Tuesday, and I'll be taking care of things -- and hopefully seeing as many people as I can -- then.
The answer, in cultural cliché terms, is "a dark place." I'll use this blog (not that I'm sure anyone checks it anymore) to explain a bit my absence from blogging and, I'm afraid, from even responding to several kind e-mails from my friends. Some of you know what a hard time I've had working on my dissertation since my prospectus was approved in December of 2008. The truth, plainly laid out, is that I have managed to do very little on it over the past year and three months – almost nothing, in fact. I managed to distract myself from my lack of progress with teaching and work for a long time, but the fact is that I have been increasingly mired in the kind of overwhelming anxiety and depression that has prevented me from working and, finally, doing much of anything.
The good news is that I've e-mailed the people I need to e-mail about it, and I've gotten the presentation I was supposed to give on the 19th postponed for the rest of the year. They all assure me that this is nothing that unusual, and that they've known many graduate students who suffered intense anxiety while writing their dissertations and still pulled through it. I have an appointment with Student Health when I get back to the States to try to sort things out, and I hope the wonders of modern medicine will be able to help me.
I actually feel a little better since contacting my advisors about this – at least I'm not overwhelmed with panic at the mere thought of the date or the month anymore! And I am more hopeful than I was a week ago about my ability to pull through this. I still want a career as an academic, though I don't want it if the cost is constant anxiety. And in some ways, I feel the worst has already happened. If I don't pull through this and have to quit the program, my situation will not be substantially different from what it is right now – the only additional stress will be trying to figure out what I can get a job in, and in fact I've thought about that for years already. Anyway, that's the deal. I apologize deeply if you've sent me an e-mail and I haven't responded. I am trying hard to do that in the next few days.
In the meantime, I'll be returning to the States for about a month starting next Tuesday, and I'll be taking care of things -- and hopefully seeing as many people as I can -- then.
Oh no! I suspected that you might be feeling that way but hoped you weren't. But I'm proud of you for taking steps to get some help and to postpone your presentation. My anxiety about thesis writing has kept me from even seriously considering a doctoral program, so hey, you're doing pretty well in my book. :) I can't wait to see you this month in the U.S.!!
Glad to hear from you! I know what you mean, I've been paralyzed in trying to finish the diss chapter myself. Having a baby certainly slowed it down, but it's been hard to get back to it! I'm so excited you'll be back stateside though! We'll have to get lunch and you can meet the baby!
So glad you're ok! dude, there must be goings-on stateside!
Welcome back to the blogworld, and, if I've understood the dates, to the U.S., too! I imagine you'll be busy, but if you'd like to have lunch sometime I'd be happy to drop by Charlottesville.
I wish I had a big plastic container of Dissertation Anxiety Balm to offer!