This may be the kind of confession that gets you in trouble if you put it on your blog, but…I don’t use a day planner.
I don't use any kind of planner. Day planner, month planner, calendar – I don't use them. I keep all my notations of appointments and important dates on lots of pieces of paper, none of which are stored anywhere central, and none of which are particularly etched onto my conscious mind. How do I manage? I don't know. I just usually do. One thing is that I don't really have that many meetings. Meetings or events that aren't regularly scheduled are rare enough in my life that they stand out in my week. Also: I tend to spend a lot of time at home and don't plan excursions. So that makes it easier.
But really, it isn't. Because I worry about scheduling all the time. In fact, I hate scheduling more than I hate any other practical task. It was the thing I was worst at about directing a play; it's the reason I detest stage managing; it's the hardest part of planning writing for me. And that's the real reason I don't have a planner – because even thinking about scheduling things makes the world go grey and dizzy and my soul lurch with dead horror. I'm aware that this is counterproductive, but it is how I've lived for most of my life. Either I remember a responsibility or I do not, and something terrible happens. I accept that rather than plan.
But today, I made a change. I wrote in a planner. Chrissy got a dolphin calendar for Christmas, and she gave me the planner and I wrote things. I wrote things all the way up to next December. Can you believe that? I barely can. I don't know if I'll keep using it, but I’m really going to make a valiant effort to try. I know that most civilized people use planners. I know that it doesn't help my neurotic tenancies any to keep myself in the dark as to the precise date that things are required of me. I also know that dolphins may help me plan. Because, see, when I open the planner and see those cheerful, toothy dolphins, how can I be anything but organized? I will use them as the spirit animal of my rebirth. See? I knew you would.
I don't use any kind of planner. Day planner, month planner, calendar – I don't use them. I keep all my notations of appointments and important dates on lots of pieces of paper, none of which are stored anywhere central, and none of which are particularly etched onto my conscious mind. How do I manage? I don't know. I just usually do. One thing is that I don't really have that many meetings. Meetings or events that aren't regularly scheduled are rare enough in my life that they stand out in my week. Also: I tend to spend a lot of time at home and don't plan excursions. So that makes it easier.
But really, it isn't. Because I worry about scheduling all the time. In fact, I hate scheduling more than I hate any other practical task. It was the thing I was worst at about directing a play; it's the reason I detest stage managing; it's the hardest part of planning writing for me. And that's the real reason I don't have a planner – because even thinking about scheduling things makes the world go grey and dizzy and my soul lurch with dead horror. I'm aware that this is counterproductive, but it is how I've lived for most of my life. Either I remember a responsibility or I do not, and something terrible happens. I accept that rather than plan.
But today, I made a change. I wrote in a planner. Chrissy got a dolphin calendar for Christmas, and she gave me the planner and I wrote things. I wrote things all the way up to next December. Can you believe that? I barely can. I don't know if I'll keep using it, but I’m really going to make a valiant effort to try. I know that most civilized people use planners. I know that it doesn't help my neurotic tenancies any to keep myself in the dark as to the precise date that things are required of me. I also know that dolphins may help me plan. Because, see, when I open the planner and see those cheerful, toothy dolphins, how can I be anything but organized? I will use them as the spirit animal of my rebirth. See? I knew you would.
Labels: anxiety, quotidian, the_profession
I am exactly the same way. Writing in a planner gives me a cold feeling of finality. Living this way is fun! No, it's not.