Public serivice announcements
0 Comments Published by ginny on Tuesday, February 20, 2007 at 10:14 AM.
So here's some information. For purposes of public service.
- There's this wall in my yard, along the side of the driveway. You won't have seen it. It's really low and little (Little again! nothing but low and little!-- Why will you suffer her to flout me thus?). But it's there. And though it be but little, it is fierce.
- There's this ditch in my driveway. It just keeps getting bigger. The landlord does not fix it. And when you back over it, it turns your back end towards the right, no matter what you do.
- At least once out of every ten times you back down the driveway, this combination of things is enough to make you drive over or otherwise graze the wall.
- And at least once out of the times that happens, it will TEAR A HUGE DAMN HOLE IN YOUR TIRE. On your way to class.
O wall! O wicked wall, through whom I see no bliss! Cursed be thy stones for thus deceiving me!
That was public service announcement number one. Here's public service announcement number two:
- Some houses (like my house for instance) are heated with oil furnaces. These consist of three parts:
- a tank outside that needs to be filled with oil for the furnace to run
- a furnace (or "oil burner" or perhaps "heating apparatus," as you might call it in a moment of confusion when you can't think of what to call it) with funny dials and a box with a flame that isn't a pilot light but is nonetheless a box with a flame and a switch and some lines running off it. In some houses this is behind the refrigerator in a very awkward place in a nasty little closet
- and a heat delivery system like vents, or perhaps "a real big thing in the room that gets warm," as a kindly oil-furnace technician might describe it over the phone to a confused female caller. This is also known as a radiator.
- a tank outside that needs to be filled with oil for the furnace to run
- Some landlords (like my landlord for instance)have this awesome system set up whereby heating oil is included in the rent. This system is, as previously expressed, generally awesome. You will normally be very happy with paying more in rent for your landlord to take care of heating concerns.
- But sometimes an oil furnace will start doing things. Like: it will start making a bad smell of burning oil real strong in the house. Your housemates will say "good god what is that smell." And you will say "I don't smell anything." And then you will feel dizzy and overpowered and say "Oh god yes I DO smell something! What is that smell!"
And then the oil burner will start making this coughing, choking sound, like a car that's trying to start but the engine won't turn over, and it will begin to sound very loud and scary. - And you and your housemates will get concerned about what to do. One of your housemates will call her dad. You will realize, to your chagrin, that this is a time for calling dads. You like to think you can do everything by yourself, but sometimes this is not true. Her dad will tell her it sounds like you're out of heating oil. You will realize that this is in fact possible, especially given that your landlord has been mysteriously missing from town for two weeks and has perhaps forgotten to order new deliveries of heating oil.
- You will then call your landlord's brother Kenny. He will be markedly unhelpful. "Do you have $500 to buy new heating oil?" he will ask, obviously unimpressed that his brother has entered into this foolish (read: awesome) deal with you. "No," you will say. "No we don't have that." "They can make a minimum delivery," he will say. "Okay. You will say. Thanks for your help."
- Then Jamie will call the heating company, whose number she has discovered on the furnace. (Chrissy's father has by this time directed her in turning off the furnace.) She will get very confused about how to describe the problem, and the technician will kindly ask her questions like "are there slots where the air comes out like 'whoosh whoosh whoosh in every room or is there a GREAT BIG THING that gets warm on the walls of every room?" Jamie will be very relieved that she can verify the presence of radiators. The technician will recommend you get the minimum delivery of oil tomorrow. (This will cost about $100. You will all be relieved.)
- You will call your landlord and leave a polite but rambling message. You will all hope very much that he will reimburse you. And then everyone who has a significant other (not you) will go spend the night at his house, while you will sleep huddled in your heatless house underneath a down comforter. Warmed neither by love nor by great big things in every room that get warm.
(Actually, this will not be bad at all, since down comforters are terrific and you are inside, although you do worry that you may smell funny today because you won't be able to take a shower. You are considering a sort of sponge bath.)
So. Now you know about some things. And since knowing is half the battle, you'll be prepared in the future. You're welcome.
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